A Note to My Daughter’s ER Nurse, Who Asked Me: “How Would You Like Me To Address You?”

First you should know, your question left me momentarily stunned. And then, it suddenly made me quite suspicious. Because a nurse (or any medical personnel or professional) asking about a patient’s mother’s name— in the form of social etiquette, and unrelated to an intake assessment or a patient’s social history, is non-typical, potentially bizarre, and certainly concerning behavior. My suspicion quickly shifted to pondering, as I wondered if there had been some type of institutional wide “best practice” in which all Children’s Hospital staff are now encouraged to recognize parents preferred names. If I am being honest, I was concerned and a little confused, but I am writing to you today to say thank you.

As I reflect on the moment you asked me “How would you like me to address you?” and as I reflect on my last five years as Nora’s mom — interfacing with the inpatient world of medicine — I can’t recall a single instance in which a medical professional chose to refer to me as anything other than “mom.” Actually, medical staff rarely choose to address me, by my name, or any name at all. I cannot recall a single instance in which a member of Nora’s care team, inpatient or outpatient, actually asked my “preferred name.”

As a blogger, I have written about names, titles, and identity. In writing, I have referred to myself as: “mom”, “woman”, “Nora’s mom,” or even, just “Jesse.” When I answered your question that day in the ER, I surprised myself when I said, “Definitely not mom.” I didn’t know I had a preference until you allowed me the space to express my opinion. And, I thought it was interesting that I eventually said, “You can call me Mrs. Van Leeuwen.” I’ve never actually asked another adult to call me “Mrs.” before.

You reminded me of something that day — names are important. You reminded me that names and titles are a source of dignity, respect and quiet power. But most importantly, you reminded me that I actually have a choice about how I would like to be addressed in all settings— especially clinical settings. Somewhere along this path of inpatient and outpatient medical complexities, I must have forgotten I had a choice, that I have a name. I must have forgotten, that actually, I am allowed to take up space in a room, any room, with my ridiculously long last name.

Van Leeuwen is translated as “Lions” in modern Dutch. It is a beautiful name, carried all the way from a lovely town in Holland, not all that long ago, by beautiful, strong, adventurous and hardworking people. I would like to make sure it feels at home here, in clinical settings and all settings on the coast of southern California. Thank you for offering me the kind, dignified and loving opportunity to express my preferred name at my daughter’s ER hospital bedside. Because as it turns out, I do have a preference. And, the only people allowed to call me “Mom” are named Nora, and Everett. Thank you for taking the time, and allowing me the space to answer the question, “How would you like me to address you?”

Forever grateful,

Mrs. Van Leeuwen, The 29-Year- Old Mom on Roller Skates, The Woman Who Ate Cat Food on Christmas Eve, The Runner in Red Shoes, The Woman Who Declared Friendship with Loneliness, The Mother Who Found (and is still finding) Her Voice

Photo Credit: Jessica Rice Photography