The Possibility of You

This post is part of a blog series on pregnancy loss from a miscarriage I had in August 2021. Thank you always for reading. – Jesse

June 11, 2021

I cling to a cup of ice-cold water with one hand and hold loosely to Nora’s hand with the other. The trauma room bustles with medical staff — they hover around us, and at the computer. A resident leaves the room to page the PICU — they’re worried.

An x-ray technician enters the room with a large, portable, x-ray machine and verifies Nora’s name and date of birth with a nearby nurse. I know what’s coming next— he’ll say something like, “Mom, is there a chance you’re pregnant?”

But before he notices me, and before I have to reply with “Yes, there’s a chance,” I ask a nurse to stay by Nora’s side, and drift into a lonely emergency room hallway. I prop myself against the wall as I realize I’m not alone: I’m here, with the thought of you — the possibility of you. And somehow, despite an afternoon of medical chaos, fear, and overwhelming anxiety, all I know now, in this moment, is joy— simply at the possibility of you.