And Then, We Took Family Photos

We probably should have canceled the family photoshoot. I was 10 weeks pregnant with my Still- Heart, I was an emotional wreck, and my body had yet to progress through miscarriage on its own. Tyler and I were both exhausted from our emotional week, hosting a party for our five-year- old, and packing for a family vacation at a local beach house with extended family: Tia and family, my grandma (grandma great), and my parents.

But I had planned photos with Jessica Rice weeks ago to capture moments with our extended family — together for the first time since 2020. When I first planned the photo session, I had it in my mind that this would be the perfect time to not only take pictures, but to also get a few “couple photos” of Tyler and me to commemorate our 10 year anniversary. And before the news of the ultrasound, I had it in my mind to take pregnancy reveal photos — it was our turn to be the adorable family on Instagram and Facebook with our children holding a sign announcing their newest sibling (or something just as cute and celebratory.)

But of course, that wasn’t the way the story unfolded — instead, the night of the photoshoot, I was 10 weeks pregnant with a baby whose heart stopped at 8 weeks, my face was puffy from crying, and I didn’t know if I had the emotional and physical energy to pose for smiling scenes with family. But as Jessica snapped away on her camera, and we all did our best to get Nora and Everett to smile, and laughed when they didn’t, I was struck by how natural it was to smile with those I love. Despite my circumstance, I couldn’t help but smile cuddled around my grandmother, holding my daughter — next to my mother— four generations clustered together, saying, “cheese!” That evening, being surrounded by those I love was a reminder that even in grief, our hearts are big enough to hold love and gratitude all wrapped up together and on camera.

And thank goodness for Jessica’s camera.

When we were finished taking family photos, Jessica put her camera away, my family turned towards the house, but before I followed, I pulled Jess aside and asked tearfully if she would be willing to take a picture of me and my Still- Heart, my belly — or if it would all be too weird. She hugged me and we cried, and she said “It’s not weird at all; you’ll want these photos.”

We arranged the bow of my dress, I held tight to my belly, and for a moment I was wrapped up in simultaneous peace and heartbreak — peace in being the closest I would ever come to holding this baby, and broken-hearted knowing I would never see this child’s story, life, bloom and grow.

This was good-bye.

And that night, when the bleeding started, everything in me — mind, soul, and body — knew it was time to let go.

Photos by: Jessica Rice Photography

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