From the Desk of Jesse Van Leeuwen: Notes of Gratitude

“We cannot all do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

– Attributed to Mother Teresa

I‘m a mother to a child with medical complexities, and the problem is this: I’m tired of feeling like I’m surviving, or enduring, but rarely thriving. So, I paid $200 and signed up for a 15-week wellness program out of The University of Michigan for parents of children with special needs. This evidenced-based program, “Mood Lifters,” is modeled after Weight Watchers. This means, instead of a focus on losing weight, weekly goals are set and points are earned within the categories “body, actions, mind, mood, and relationships.” I intend to blog about my experiences with each weekly topic and it’s my hope, by the end of this project, thriving won’t seem quite so elusive.

Week One: Pleasure & Behavior Change

Goal: Practice activities that are either in the category “pleasurable” or “valuable” for a minimum of 15 minutes. 1 activity = 1 behavior point. Weekly goal = 4 points.

At my first mood lifters meeting, our group reviewed a list of 100 examples of pleasurable and valuable activities. From this list I chose the following activities to earn my week one behavior points: writing a thank you note, reading a book, shopping, writing, listening to music, and looking at photos. My goal this week, as suggested by the Mood Lifters manual, was to engage in an activity, or several activities, that might eventually become a new habit. As I am drawn to activities that come from accomplishment and improving skills, or what this program calls “valuable” activities, I decided to center all my goals on one value: gratitude. To earn my behavior points, I read pieces of, The Art of Thank You, Crafting Notes of Gratitude, by Connie Leas, shopped for letter writing stationary, looked through photos (for this blog post), listened to the album, “Michigan,” by Sufjan Stevens, and wrote my notes about the process (total: 6 behavior points.)

For my notes of gratitude, I chose to write (and post) a series of thank you notes to individuals who recently overlapped with me and my family, in one way or another, over the course of a few days in which Nora was admitted to Children’s Hospital for abnormal seizure activity. I hope this series of notes reads almost like a short story, each note representing a unique view of Nora’s hospitalization and our life-to-date.

But more importantly, I count each of these notes as a portrait of human kindness, generosity, and love. My hope in sharing these notes is that you may find joy in reading over my shoulder and consider the large and small ways we can love and care for one another. Perhaps you might even be inspired to thank someone along your own path. Should you be interested in practicing writing notes of gratitude, I do recommend the book The Art of Thank You, Crafting Notes of Gratitude, by Connie Leas. I also recommend infusing your note-writing with things you enjoy, perhaps shopping for stationary, a hot cup of tea or coffee (or hot toddie), utilizing the perfect pen, listening to a record, or favorite song, and my personal favorite: writing by candlelight.

Kindly Deliver To:

The Attentive ER Nurse

Dear Nurse,  

Thank you for caring for Nora in the emergency room last weekend, and for going above and beyond to provide me with a small meal while Nora was in your care. I know it is not necessarily typical for the Children’s Hospital nursing staff to inquire about, or provide, nutritional sustenance for parents. So thank you for assuming the role of a thoughtful host, and providing multiple packets of peanut butter and graham crackers for dinner. While this may seem like a small gesture, I want you to know that it meant quite a lot to me as Nora and I were coming from our family vacation at the beach, which meant I was without my on-the-go hospital bag (filled with snacks and other food options), so I feel particularly grateful for your attentiveness and hospitality. Your thoughtfulness is a gift!

With gratitude,

Nora’s Mom

My Supportive Supper Club

Sweet friends,

I can’t thank you enough for sending our family an Uber Eats gift card while Nora was at the hospital last week. The gift of a meal (or in this case, multiple meals) is a welcome relief when a child is in the hospital or transitioning home. Thank you for continually surrounding my family with love, generosity, and thoughtfulness. And you must know, gift card aside, you all feed my soul through your friendship, encouragement, and most especially through our shared joy and laughter. I absolutely cherish our time together, and I am so grateful for each of you in my life.

With love,

Jesse

The Wonderful Night Nurse

Dear Nurse,

I want to say thank you for taking care of Nora the night she was admitted to the hospital, (9/6/2020), but I want to specifically thank you for creating such a welcoming space/ room. When we arrived at the room, not only had you made a bed comfortable and cozy for Nora, but you had pulled apart the large armchair in the room to create my bed, too (I always find those chairs to be such a challenge! It was a welcome relief to see it assembled). You even made the bed up with two, bright white pillows, all of which created a feeling of warmth and welcome for both me and my daughter.

I noticed you even procured not one, but two toothbrushes! I was without my overnight bag, so I can’t thank you enough for providing this essential. I feel badly I did not take a moment to thank you for creating such a welcoming space for both Nora and I, but I want you to know, I was genuinely overwhelmed (to the point of speechlessness) by your kindness. Thank you for your generous hospitality, and for providing wonderful care to my daughter. What you are doing, by creating a comfortable space for families arriving late at night from the ER to the hospital floor, is absolutely wonderful, and I am very grateful. Thank you for all you do.

With gratitude,

Nora’s Mom

My Remarkable Mother

Dear Mom,

Thank you for coming to the beach cottage to help Everett and me pack up from our vacation while Tyler was taking care of Nora in the hospital. I am so thankful for your ability to get things done in an organized fashion all while lending yourself to laugher and fun. As you know, this is especially important for us all on the hard days when Nora is admitted to the hospital. I truly don’t know what I would do without your sense of humor — I’m laughing now as I write this remembering all the years of family road trips when it was exclusively “Dad’s job” to pack our car. But, as you clearly demonstrated at the beach, all your years of playing Tetris were actually steps towards your (hidden) mastery of car packing. What a discovery we made together!

Thank you for always being available for me and my family, and for showing up to lend support and a helping hand. You know how to brighten our days with laughter, love and beauty. I love you immensely, and I could write books and books of thank you notes to acknowledging all the thoughtful gifts, acts of service, and knowledge you have gifted to us.  I’m unbelievably thankful and fortunate to have you in my life and as my mother.

Love,

Jesse

Nora’s Extraordinary First Grade Class

Dear first graders,

Thank you all for the handmade, beautiful, and cheerful cards you made for Nora while she was in the hospital and for the beautiful flowers! Nora and I read each of your notes, and marveled together at the beautiful drawings you all made. She particularly enjoyed the rainbow colors, butterflies, hearts, and any drawings of her at home, playing on the playground, or being pushed by one of you in her chair. She misses being in class with you all terribly, but she smiles and is so excited to join you all (virtually) in class. Thank you for being such wonderful friends, and for including her in your first-grade activities. She is looking forward to joining you all at school again as soon as possible.

With love,

Nora & Mrs. Van Leeuwen

Our Role Models: Josh & Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

It has been almost eight years we sat together at your dining room table (almost every night?) playing Settlers of Catan and eating brownies and ice cream. Today we are states apart, and I marvel at your ability to “show up at my doorstep” through meal cards, a present for Nora, or a much-needed text message conversation. Somehow through all of this, it still feels like you are just a walk down the road. Distance aside, thank you (and Josh too) for showing up, and for being truly incredible friends to Tyler and me over the years and in recent weeks with Nora’s ups and downs.  

You and Josh are two of the most intentional, thoughtful, and out-of-this-world generous people Tyler and I have ever known — we often talk about the ways we hope we can be like you in the way you lead you lives and care for others. Tyler and I could not be more grateful for you both— thank you for being present in our joy and heartache, on the hospital weeks and days, but on the quiet days too. We cherish our friendship with you both and we are grateful for the ways you inspire us through your examples of love and generosity.

All our love,

Jesse and Tyler Van Leeuwen

My Adoring Husband

Dear Tyler,

I feel very thankful for your willingness to take over the grocery shopping and meal preparation (plus clean up) this week. This gift has allowed me the opportunity to devote time and attention to all the things that needed attending to following Nora’s hospitalization and our family vacation, while allowing me margin to devote to the first week of this wellness program — thank you for always being so supportive as I work to maintain my mental and physical health. The last few weeks have not been easy — life is hard. But I could not be more thankful for how you care for me and our family as we work towards health for Nora and continue to build our beautiful life and home. Despite our vacation being cut short by Nora’s hospitalization, I cherish the days we spent together at the beach— I included a few photos of our time together. I especially love the pictures of you, Everett and Nora on the paddleboard and our son just covered in sand. You all bring me great joy.

Yours,

Jesse

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